Insomnia? (God saying 'It's About Time, Friend')

It's around 3:40 as I begin this post. Coffee at 9ish along with an afternoon nap that started at around 4 and ended at 7 keep me wide awake on this Memorial Day. Forgive me of the grammatical errors, but I just don't care. 

I find myself reaching out to God. I long to be as close to Him as I have in the past and I try so desperately to figure out what I can do to fix things. I guess that's one of my character flaws. I have a hard time giving God the control to restore areas of my life. There are many parts of my life that are still completely my own. But I do truly hate any part of me that is not of God.  It's just the eradication of such things that presents problems. 

Its interesting to note that in periods of life where I'm farther away from God than I desire, the words "compassion", "grace" and "freedom" are taken far out of context and placed into a definition that fits my comfortable life. I see God as a compassionate Father, giver of grace, and one who offers freedom. This is all true. Please do not misunderstand. I am in no way refuting these facts of God's character, but that these are in no way the extent of things. God doesn't want me to simply acknowledge his kindness, He wants His forgiveness to change my life! He doesn't want his children wrapped up with the ways of the world or thoughts of the world. For even the small parts of my life that are simply not of God, He is not well-pleased. Am I being to hard on myself? No. I think I'm being more honest than I have been lately. My own self has persecuted my relationship with my Father. The worship of self has indeed taken the place of the worship of the Creator of self. I can't escape his Love, for it is not conditional, but I do not wish to be a stagnant pond of self. 

Sin is a tricky beast. Yes I said it. The "S" word. You'd think that after reading "The Screwtape Letters" this past week that I would be aware of the dangers of flirting with danger. The pathway of falling away from Christ usually isn't one single action, rather, it is a combination of various little things, minor experiences, and tidbits of life that put Godless thoughts inside the mind. These small thoughts procreate, consume the mind first, then make their way to the heart, and finally suffocate the soul. And no it doesn't have to be some grand heretical idea; it can be the simplest form of vanity or the slightest thought of conceit. That's how it all starts. That is the tactic of the Enemy to destroy God's faithful. Or sort of faithful. 

Heartbreak. Yet I find myself pouring into forlorn attempts to fix any problem simply by willing it away. Silly me. The truth is that God is the only one who is capable of empowering my heart and soul for his purpose of purity, godliness and holiness. 

"If your sin is small than your Savior is small, but if your sin is great, your Savior will be great also". 

Psalm 32. 

Lord Jesus: Cleanse. Forgive. Renew. Revive. Restore. Bring me back to Life. Awaken this sleepy eyed soul. Hold me. Comfort me. Convict me. Instruct me. Encourage me. Lead me. Carry me. Reveal. Fill this mind. Amaze this soul. Be written on this heart. Do not delay. Be not far...

That I may realize your Love so that it may be shown in my life. 

Amen.